MAN COLD! The Survival Guide

For millennia we (men) have been plagued by that most infamous aliment whispered down nearly every street in hushed tones.

The origin of all unforgiving tales past, the dark shadow of blocked noses of Zeus and the chesty cough of Rameses. History has been shaped by this incomprehensible evil. THE MAN COLD! Often referred to as “ManFlu, DeathsDoorKnob or OneLastDayInParadise”

Man Flu 2Not to be trifled with, never to be wished upon another as written in the man code (Code 1. Never wish ManFlu upon any of your fellow brothers. Code 2. See code 1.) and NEVER to be spoken about without good cause. Only in situations of life or death should this be written, spoke or heard about.

The reason for my post today is… I have Man Cold! Oh the words alone make me feel worse. I may only have a short time left in paradise so I am writing a journal entry, probably my last entry on this ethereal planet for my fellow brothers as the last thing I do. Hopefully I will be remembered like some of the other great men who fought and lost the battle with ManCold. Einstein was a great mind and will be sorely missed, Bernie Mac, Sir Issac Newton, Galileo, Leonardo Di’Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh’s ear fell off! Rameses, Jesus and Zeus himself, I’m pretty sure I heard that the Minotaur had the very same killer toxin created and distributed by… WOMEN!

Shakespeare even wrote about this in his own gripping and touching way, the poison… You guessed it. MAN FLU! Poor Romeo didn’t stand a chance!

I have complied a list of do’s and don’ts for my brothers in arms. We will forever be linked through the overwhelming powers that wish to eradicate us from this planet. Oh lord… I’m beginning to fade.

DO’s & DON’TS:

  1. STAY IN BED! (Or sofa, as long as the duvet of power is draped across thee) Even one millisecond away from your chamber of recovery could have consequences and implications so dangerous you could die in 2 milliseconds.
  2. SAVE 999 INTO YOUR SPEED DIAL ON YOUR RESCUE DEVICE! We’re talking milliseconds here. Time spent pressing all those numbers then “call” could be your undoing. DON’T RISK IT!
  3. DO NOT DO ANY WORK! This means even blogging. Your brain could lose all function and even body parts fall off. Think back to poor Mr Van Gogh. (He tried to paint…) “Poor Bastard”  NOTE: I hope you now see the danger I am putting myself in to help you. 
  4. images-1OBTAIN A SOUND DEVICE! One must save his voice, the implications of even whispering could cause your lungs to begin to fill up with phlegm and drown you. A bell will suffice; but best, would be an implant available to place the receiving device in your wife/girlfriend/partners brain with a button added to the TV remote. Technology, it’s the best! Our dear male scientists call it WIFE! Emergency upgrade from WIFI!

  5. STAY CALM! It has been proven that a calm mind enables maximum recovery from the fever and chesty cough in studies by NASA 2014. (TOP SECRET) I shouldn’t even be sharing this information but as I’m close to the end; I will do it for you!
  6. NO MOANING! Message to all female species across the globe. Your Grandfather, Father, Husband, Boyfriend, Friend, Partner, Son or any man in your life is dangerously sick and your added stress could push him over the edge into the dankness. If you are willing to accept this poor mans decent into death or worse.. madness then please continue but if guilt would be too much, PLEASE… Remember; This is all YOUR FAULT! You carry the killer virus and spread it with cuddles and kisses selfishly without any concern for others. This selfish behaviour has gone on long enough! Take some responsibility.
  7. FOOD AND DRINK! All symptoms are different. As to the vast and adaptive complex strain of such a virus when carried from a female host to a male victim (The worst kind) I would advise that one must use step 5 in order to think logically about the best kind of nutrition available for your bodies needs. Your brain releases a chemical called G.L.P.H.M.K.W.I.N.T.E (Good.Lord.Please.Help.Me.Know.What.I.Need.To.Eat) The long ones are always the worst! Back to step 5. And breath… You will know, keep the faith.
  8. USE THIS SITE! www.manflu.info are the world leader in tracking and dealing with cases, symptoms and issues regarding this deadly virus. (caught from women) Just saying…
  9. manfluGET THIS! ManFlu.com is one of the best ways to help symptoms. Striking the contagion in the face with the butt of it’s gun; ManFlu.com will beat your symptoms like they stole something!
    A must have for any man. Made specifically ‘for men that matter’. Oh the compassion of such a company warms my heart and gives me hope in humanity.

  10. IF ALL ELSE FAILS! If the time comes where you have followed all steps but still feel the same then please; Forward this post to as many of your brothers. This is the very last thing you will do with your life so please, help someone to live another day, eat another fried breakfast, drive another van to work whist gazing at the sunrise over the M25.

I can feel it… The time has come for me to end my last blog post. I hope you will remember me and celebrate my contribution to humanity. A note to all women (hosts) of this terrible evil… YOU DON’T GET MANFLU! You get a cold!!! Think of the good work Mother-Theresa put in into making the world a better place. She knew. By GOD she knew!

Before I go, would you please take a minute to fill out this poll below for NASA’s (Top Secret) research. Would be greatly appreciated.

NOTE: For all the good, strong women who help fight the battle with ManFlu as well as the ‘nay sayers’ that should be utterly ashamed of themselves! Please find your very own advice information dedicated to you here.

Advice information for women CLCIK HERE

Comments

  1. susangmom says:

    Awwwwwwwwwww. You poor poor thing! My sympathy is blasting into this comment box; can you feel it!? (get well soon!)

    Like

  2. AHAHAHA. This is wonderful.

    Like

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